"Don't bug me when I got Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" cranked, dude."

"where all the titties at?"

"I just made a wish on 11:11 like a total asshole."

"buying a ouija board to summon chris farley this wknd"

"Hey everyone I need your help, what's the best song to play while puking on a cop's shoes?"

"condoms?"

"Remember when sam kinison said to lick the alphabet when goin down on a chick? Fuck that, lick all the constellations. Get spacey with it."

"I think I might get my palm read this wknd... But I'm sure they'll just tell me I jerk off a lot."

"STP purple shirt dude at liquor store asked me where I've been$"

"I'm crushin on, like, every girl in that Mederma stretch mark cream commercial."